I’m so not known for my patience, it’s never been one of my virtues. I’m falling for someone that I can’t have and its making me a little nutty. I keep having dreams about him and they’re great but when I wake up I can’t get him out of my mind. Its very irritating when as far as I know he’ll never see me as anything more than he does now. This man makes me feel all gooey inside and when I feel the warmth of his touch I just can’t think. I can’t focus when his skin comes in contact with mine, I don’t even pay attention to what he’s saying because I think of how amazing his touch would feel if we were alone and intimate. Of course every time I see him I can’t help but smile and do an inside squeal “oh my god he’s here, yay!” In other words, I revert to age 15. 

I just feel like I have no choice in whats happening (or should I say not happening) and its making me crazy. Especially because I keep praying that these feelings will go away and they wont! It makes me wonder what the heck makes me different from all the different girls who literally would throw their panties at him if they could? I just feel so freaking helpless. If I’m meant to be with him, it will happen. At least this is what I keep telling myself… did I mention he’s also a brilliant musician? yeah, it just keeps getting worse. *sigh*

I know that part of the point of your 20’s is to figure out who you are as a person and how you fit into this huge puzzle of life. I’m not saying that I have all that figured out, in fact I’d say the opposite is true. I am trying to figure out a lot about myself, while I have always known my passion was music I didn’t really know who I was aside from that.

Today I did something I usually avoid doing, I wore red lipstick. I love the color red, its actually my favorite. You may wonder why I never did it before, honestly I think it’s because I didn’t feel confident enough. There are certain things I refrain from doing because I feel like I will look or be perceived as ridicules. I got a lot of compliments about how I looked today, I felt confident and attractive. 

While I’ve never been one to need the attention of men I do remember how it added a little bounce in my step knowing that I was found attractive by members of the opposite sex. For a while I couldn’t deal with it, and I’m not sure why. I think its because after my heart was broken for the first time, I just didn’t want any man touching me let alone looking at me. So I hid beneath the fat.

It has been years since then, and while I wouldn’t classify myself as beautiful I would say that I am pretty and sometimes I look really good. For me to say that is a big deal because I really don’t talk about myself that way. However, I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to come out of this shell I’ve been hiding in because there’s a life I want to live that isn’t the one I’ve been living, its actually the one I’ve been avoiding.

Stay tuned…

I am on a mission to de-procrastinate my life. I wasn’t always this big of a procrastinator, it started when I was in community college because things weren’t as crucial as they are now. Additionally, I had a really large group of friends and I always preferred to be with them rather than do school work. Now its a totally different ball game because I attend a private college that is great and I love it, but I now have this bad habit. My school has very high expectations and the workload is huge, especially because I’m a music major.

I’m on a mission to stop procrastinating because it’s really not productive.

Life is so busy right now! I know the life of a music major is perpetually filled with rehearsals, practicing, learning new music, and of course that homework pile that never seems to end. But I’m purely running on adrenaline, caffeine, desperation, anxiety and the hope that summer brings of some actual rest. I need a break!

How do you know when you’re ready to start dating again? This is my new conundrum. It’s been over 6 months since Blake and I broke up. I had what Oprah calls an ‘aha!’ moment. I realized all this time I’d been focusing on what a good thing we had and what we shared and blah, blah, blah. It hit me that he left me and he is the one who said I wasn’t the one. Meaning he wasn’t the one for me, because otherwise he wouldn’t have said it in the first place. Then I realized because I’m not wasting time with someone who isn’t THE ONE I can actually use my time and energy focusing on things that matter. Like my career and education.

Which brings me to the following point: I am over it. I’m finally at a place where if I were to bump into my ex I no longer have the urge to throw something at him. I now feel like I could be cordial and then go on my merry way.

Amazing what a difference time makes when it comes to break ups.

My saturday’s have not been off, per se since I started at Rollins. I’m so freaking sleepy right now, but I have a ton to do. oh well, at least there’s coffee.

I have loved music since I was about 2 years old. It’s been my passion since before I understood and could articulate what passion was. Now that I’m in college, my dream school actually, I find that as much as l love making music every day I still feel like I’m missing something. I don’t want to be defined by what I do or what I sing. I want more than that, is that crazy? I feel like I want to explore more things, what those things are I’m not exactly sure. This is very surreal because I’ve been working and fighting to get to the point where all I had to do was make music, but now that I have I want more than just music. 

It’s a little frightening because I want to pursue other interests, don’t get me wrong I don’t want to lose my passion or find a new one. I just want to try other things, things I may have been too afraid to try before because I was afraid of what it would mean. If I don’t experiment now or take a chance now, when will I? The question is what do I do now that I’ve figured this out? I’m not sure what the answer to that is or how to find it. For now I think I’ll try to process that and then I’ll go for figuring out what I’ll do.

I love being a Mezzo-Soprano and if  I remain that for the rest of my life, I’m more than happy with that. Sure Dramatic Soprano would be really cool, but I am not about to hurt myself or my instrument pretending to be something I am most certainly not. I don’t understand why it is that so many girls and women think they are soprano just because its easy to sing and hear, work a little harder and I don’t know actually sight read and practice to learn the alto part. I’m not saying there aren’t good sopranos in my choir, there are a lot of wonderful ladies who are talented and most of all able sopranos. But really, people ask your teacher what part suits you. If I had known Alto 1 was good for me as a Mezzo, I would have left the soprano section four years ago.